


Save Me From Myself

by Mixk



Category: 9-1-1 (TV)
Genre: Angst, Getting Together, Jealousy, M/M, Minor Violence, Misunderstandings, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD, Protective Siblings, Slow Burn
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-10-19
Updated: 2020-02-16
Packaged: 2020-12-23 19:21:42
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 5
Words: 20,341
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21086507
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Mixk/pseuds/Mixk
Summary: Buck made a poor decision with the lawsuit in a moment of despair and a false sense of betrayal when he decided to sue his team. He struggles with the trauma of the tsunami, the loneliness and his feelings for Eddie. Thankfully, his sister helps him get on the path to recovery, which will be long and complicated now that Eddie's brother is back in town.Buck has to face the consequences of his actions, mend his friendship with Eddie and the rest of the 118 crew.





	1. Chapter 1

Buck opens his front door, knowing fully well whom he’s going to find on the other side. Eddie looks pissed and sad at the same time, a look that Buck hates seeing on his best friend’s face.

“Bobby told us something interesting today,” Eddie starts as he walks in, turning around to face Buck. “I just couldn’t believe him. I told him you would never sue your own family.”

“Eddie—”

“Please tell me this is all a joke, Ev,” Eddie pleads, even going as far as using his first name. “Tell me you’re not actually suing us.”

“I’m sorry,” Buck says, deeply regretting his decision now. He never even thought about how Eddie would react. He just wanted to get his job back—to get Eddie back.

“Mierda,” Eddie mutters, pinching the bridge of his nose. “Evan, why didn’t you come to me?”

“I’m just trying to get my job at the station back, Eddie,” he explains.

“You were going to get it back eventually! You’re just not ready yet,” Eddie raises his voice, stepping closer to him to grab his shoulders. “Tell me why you’re really doing this.”

“Bobby’s the one…he’s the reason why I’m still on light duty,” he replies, feeling chastised in a way he hasn’t been since he was a kid. “I’m ready to get back to work.”

“You’re still on blood thinners, you know you’ve got to take them for 6 months.”

“Why does that matter? I’m fine!”

“You may be fine now, but you’re still a liability to the team,” Eddie says, and the words cut deep, coming from him. Buck can’t believe he’s hearing this from his best friend right now, the one person he thought would have his back.

“Not you too, Eddie,” he says, shaking his head and walking away.

“You know what happens if you get injured on duty?” Eddie says, following him to the living room. “You bleed out and we lose you. We can’t afford that, _the people_ we save every day can’t afford to have their firefighter dying on them.”

Eddie grabs his shoulder and turns him around to face him, but Buck keeps his gaze down, unable to look Eddie in the eye. Everything Eddie has said so far makes sense in a way he hadn’t thought of before, but it still stings.

“I’ve almost lost you far too many times, Evan,” Eddie says, his tone soft as his hand cups the side of his neck. “I understand your frustration, hell, I even understand that you might be mad at Bobby, but I agree with him. I can’t lose you.”

“What good am I if I’m not a firefighter?” He says, trying to ignore how warm Eddie’s hand feels against his skin, how good Eddie smells so close to him. He’s afraid to meet Eddie’s gaze, afraid of what he might do if he loses himself in those beautiful eyes of his. “I need this job, Eddie. I can’t wait for another five months; you’ve already replaced me.”

“What are you talking about? No one can replace you.”

“Then what about Lena Bosko? Who is she, if not my replacement?”

“She’s just with us temporarily,” Eddie says. “If only you’d waited. That lawsuit looks bad for your case.”

“Well, it’s too late now, isn’t it?” Buck says with a sigh, getting away from Eddie’s touch once again before he goes completely insane. He can never think clearly whenever Eddie’s hands are on him. “My lawyer advises against any contact with anyone from the station from now on.”

“Is that really what you want?”

“What I really want is to be back with you guys,” Buck says, turning his back to Eddie.

“I’m sorry, Evan, but that lawsuit is not going to give that to you, and until you realize that, you won’t be back with us anytime soon.”

With those last words, Eddie leaves his place, leaves Buck bereft of any hope.

\--

Buck hasn’t seen his 118 family in over a week and it’s starting to take a toll on him. The nightmares that plague him are not helping, flashes of giant waves leaving him in a state of panic with cold sweat sticking to his skin almost every night. He's exhausted, lonely and miserable.

He’s starting his second week since he announced the lawsuit, and he’s never felt so alone, even when he spends time with his sister. He tries to be there for Maddie, for all the trauma she’s still going through. He puts up as good of a front as he can for his sister, and he’s grateful for her presence in these dark times. She tries to understand why he’s going through with this lawsuit—she really does— even if she still tries to convince him to drop it.

The thing is, part of him wants to get back at Bobby, to hurt him just as Bobby has hurt him. Another part of him just wants to take his place at the station back before he’s forgotten. He’s been replaced so fast he still has a hard time to process it. That Lena chick is even taking Eddie from him, as though she knows how much Eddie means to him.

Just thinking about Eddie breaks his heart all over again. To this day, Buck still hasn’t recovered from their conversation. He hasn’t been able to answer Eddie’s calls, no matter how often his best friend tries to reach him. He’s changed the locks to his apartment door, ignored Eddie’s attempts at visiting him. Buck doesn’t know why Eddie even bothers with a screwup like him.

The doorbell startles him out of his dark thoughts, and he leaves his coffee mug half full on his kitchen counter to answer the door. He’s surprised when he finds his sister at his place at this time in the morning. At 10 am on a Monday, she should be at work already.

“Maddie? Are you okay?”

She hugs him, grocery bags hanging off her wrists.

“I’m fine, little brother,” she says, walking past him to the kitchen. “Which is more than I can say about you.”

“What are you talking about? I’m doing great,” he replies, watching her unload fresh groceries in his empty fridge. “Shouldn’t you be at work?”

“I have the day off,” Maddie says, handing him an apple. “You look tired.”

“You didn’t have to buy me groceries,” he says, receiving a pointed look from Maddie as she points at his fridge. He takes a bite of the apple even though he’s not hungry, he knows better than to argue with his sister. When she’s done putting the groceries away, she turns to look at him, and Buck knows what to expect before she even speaks.

“I’m worried about you, Evan.”

“I’m worried about you, Maddie,” Buck counters, choosing to ignore his situation. He knows Maddie is still going through tough times because of her relationship with that scumbag Doug. She doesn’t talk about it but Chimney has told him about his concerns over his sister. It pains him that Doug is still affecting his sister, that he wasn’t there to help her then.

“I’m trying to get better; I’m seeing a therapist, I have people around to help me, including you,” Maddie says. “You, on the other hand, are not dealing with the tsunami. You’re not dealing with your leave from work, and that stupid lawsuit is not going to solve all your problems. You’re just isolating yourself from people who care about you.”

He’s relieved to hear his sister’s getting better, but her words only serve to remind him just how messed up his life has become. The lawsuit was the only way he thought he could gain some control back then, even if deep down he knew he was making the wrong choice.

“I-I don’t know how,” he says, hating how his voice starts to break, the weight that’s been sitting in his stomach for days starting to choke him. “Everything’s gone to hell so fast, all at once.”

Maddie’s there in a flash, taking him in her arms. He hugs her back, burying his face in her neck while she rubs his back.

“It’s going to be ok, little brother,” she says. “You just need to be patient.”

Maddie’s right, he has isolated himself with this lawsuit, a mistake he regrets but doesn’t know how to fix. The damage is already done, it feels like whatever he can try to do will be pointless. 

“What do I do?” he asks, desperate for a miracle.

“You could start by dropping the lawsuit against your family, then go to the station and apologize.”

Buck scoffs at the suggestion, but Maddie grabs his shoulders and shakes him.

“It _is_ that simple, Evan,” she insists. “I’ve talked with Howie, everyone at the station was caught off guard when they learned you were suing them. They’re not mad at you, they understand what you’re going through.”

Buck has a hard time believing her, especially after what Eddie’s said to him, but he’s got nothing to lose now, does he? Every meeting with his lawyer has been useless, mainly because of him. He hasn’t been much help, unable to find any fault for his team. He might as well stop now.

“All right, I’ll do it,” he says, looking at his sister’s hopeful face.

“Really?”

“I trust you,” he says, smiling weakly.

“I’ll always be on your side, Evan,” she assures him with a tight hug. “Everything will be ok.”

In that instant, safe in his big sister’s embrace, Buck believes her.

\--

His lawyer isn’t happy with his decision to withdraw himself from the lawsuit, but Buck is. After he leaves his lawyer’s office, he feels like a weight has been lifted from his chest. Maddie is there with him, supportive all the way, she even accompanies him to the station after they grab lunch.

He’s nervous to see everyone, nervous to face their wrath, even with Maddie’s assurances. He’s a mumbling mess by the time they get there and he’s standing in front of his co-workers. Hen and Chimney hug him to his surprise and seem genuinely happy to see him. Eddie’s nowhere to be seen, and Chimney’s quick to tell him Eddie’s not working today. It’s enough to settle his nerves a little. Bobby stands back, expression closed down, which Buck tries to ignore to go through with what he’s set to do here.

“Hey everyone,” he starts, his hands playing with the zipper of his hoodie. “I uh, I just wanted to apologize for my behaviour. I made a stupid and rash decision about the lawsuit, which I dropped. I was hurt, I missed working with you, and I thought it would magically solve my problems.”

He looks up at Bobby, hoping the captain will forgive him. He barely registers his other colleagues warm welcome and acceptance, focused on his father figure. At last, Bobby approaches and clasps his shoulder.

“I’m proud of you, Buck,” Bobby says, and Buck almost chokes with relief. Bobby takes him in his arms, and it’s all Buck needed to breathe again.

“You’ll be back with us soon enough,” Chimney says, patting his arm. Buck smiles at his friend, feeling lighter than he has in a while. He’s happy Maddie has found love with someone as great as Chimney. They go back to the break room to catch up, and it reminds Buck of what he has to look forward to. Getting back with his family.

Next step: Eddie Diaz.

\--

Buck is more nervous facing Eddie than he was facing the rest of the team back at the station. He’s left Maddie with Chimney and came alone. He has to do this on his own, he owes that much to his best friend. After a few minutes of deep breathing, he finally knocks on Eddie’s front door.

“Hello?” a stranger greets him, taking him aback. Buck looks back at the house just to check he’s at Eddie’s, but a familiar voice confirms he is.

“Buck!”

Christopher rushes towards him, the sight of him melting Buck’s heart. He meets Christopher halfway, past the stranger still standing in the doorway, and drops to his knees to hug the kid.

“I missed you, Buck,” Christopher says, a wave of guilt washing over him as he hears the words.

“I missed you too, Chris,” he mutters, dropping a kiss to the side of Christopher’s head. He hadn’t realized just how much he actually missed the boy. Christopher’s smile has a way of bringing light to Buck’s life, something he has been deprived for a while now.

“So, you’re the infamous Buck,” the man behind Buck says, catching his attention again. Buck takes a good look at the man, wondering who he is. He’s about Eddie’s height, a bit shorter than Buck, a bit more buffed than Eddie—the way his white tank top is stretched across his defined chest and clings to his lean abdomen is proof enough. He’s got the same brown eyes though, the same jawline and cheekbones. They could be brothers.

“I’m David Diaz, Eddie’s brother,” he says, extending his hand for Buck to shake. Buck blushes under David’s intense gaze and takes his hand in a firm handshake as he stands up.

“Evan Buckley,” he introduces himself properly, wondering just how much Eddie has told his brother about him. He didn’t even know Eddie had a brother. He wasn’t wrong assuming they’re brothers, they look so much alike, except David looks a bit older and rougher.

“Nice to finally meet you,” David says. “We were about to go get some ice cream, do you want to join us?”

“Where’s Eddie?” Buck asks, recalling why he came here in the first place. “I was told he had today off work.”

“He had plans with a co-worker,” David explains. “I convinced him to go, he’s had a rough week at work and hasn’t had a day for himself for a while.”

“Oh.” Buck can’t hide the disappointment from his voice, figuring Eddie’s probably out with Lena, his replacement.

“He’ll be back for dinner though, I’m sure he’ll be glad to see you,” David says.

“Come with us, Buck!” Christopher says, giving him a nudge. It’s all the convincing he needs.

He helps Christopher into David’s truck and sits in the back beside him. He’s actually relieved to have a stress-free break with Christopher before he has to see Eddie. It helps that Christopher seems genuinely happy to see him. He doesn’t know what to think of David, but at least Eddie’s brother doesn’t know every mistake Buck’s made.

David drives them to the nearest ice cream shop; the one Eddie and Christopher usually go to. The place holds fond memories of Buck’s two favourite people in the world.

“What flavour are you going to get, Chris?” Buck says, crouching beside him as they look at the display.

“Rocky road!”

They get two scoops of rocky road for Christopher, a sundae for Buck and David gets three scoops of coffee-flavoured ice cream. David refuses to let him pay, not leaving Buck any say in the matter.

“Who even likes coffee ice cream?” Buck says as they sit down at a corner table by the window.

“I love coffee, in any form,” David offers as an explanation. Buck makes a grimace, bursting into laughter when he looks at Christopher and finds the latter doing the same. David shakes his head at them but smiles nonetheless.

“What did you do in school today?” He asks Christopher, content to listen to the kid enthusiastically telling them about his day as they finish their ice cream. He’s curious about Eddie’s brother, but he doesn’t want to set Christopher aside just to satisfy his curiosity. He hasn’t seen Christopher since the tsunami, and he wants to enjoy his time with the kid. He’s had so many nightmares reliving the longest hours of his life, looking for Christopher everywhere, dreading the worst. Looking at Christopher now, so full of life and happy as ever, it almost feels like the tsunami never happened, never scarred him for life.

“Christopher told me you saved him when the tsunami hit the city,” David says on the ride home when Christopher’s sound asleep. Buck’s sitting in the front passenger seat this time, pondering what to say to David. The shame of losing Christopher has never left him and he feels like a fraud.

“I lost him,” he admits eventually, trying to swallow the lump in his throat and closing his eyes as he relives that day. “I spent hours and hours looking for him, but I didn’t find him at the end of the day.”

“That’s not what Christopher told me,” David says as he puts his hand on Buck’s shoulder. “He never stops talking about his hero Buck.”

That brings a smile to Buck’s face, wondering what he’s done to deserve such a wonderful kid in his life.

“And Eddie’s told me about your misplaced guilt. He doesn’t blame you for that day; you have to know that.”

Buck remains silent for the short remainder of the drive as he thinks about David’s words. He knows how forgiving and compassionate Eddie is. He also remembers the devastated look on Eddie’s face when he told him how he’d lost Christopher the day the tsunami hit. The resentment and anger in Eddie’s eyes. It’s a look that haunts him.

Buck carries Christopher to his room, undisturbed in his sleep, before he joins David in the kitchen. He accepts the beer David hands him.

“I haven’t seen Chris this happy ever since I came back,” David starts, leading Buck to the living room where they sit on the couch. His comment breaks Buck’s heart, imagining Christopher being sad doesn’t sit well with his stomach.

“Came back from where?” Buck asks, trying to change the topic. “I’m sorry, Eddie’s never told me about you.”

“Figures he wouldn’t,” David says before he takes a sip of his beer. “I’m in the military too, or I was, I should say. I did my last tour in Syria and now I’m out, I came back just last week.”

“Why wouldn’t Eddie mention you?”

“My guess? He’s trying to forget about that part of his life, and talking about me would remind him of that. I don’t blame him.”

Buck nods, taking it all in. His thoughts keep revolving back to David’s comment about Christopher not being his usual happy self, so he prods further.

“He still has nightmares of the tsunami, he’s been asking for you the whole time I’ve been here,” David explains, twisting the imaginary knife in Buck’s gut. He leaves his beer on the coffee table when nausea hits him.

“Oh God,” he breathes out, burying his face in his hands. That’s probably why Eddie’s been so insistent on reaching out to him this past week. He’s been so selfish, so caught up in his self-pity and misery. Eddie’s going to murder him.

“My little brother has been worried sick about you two,” David adds. “I’ve tried my best to help around the house, to cheer them up. The ice cream was my last card with Christopher, but just you being here worked so much better.”

“Damn it, I’m the worst,” Buck admits, still hiding his face, a few tears having escaped. He takes deep breaths to try to calm down before he panics completely. “I’ve been such a selfish asshole.”

“You care about Christopher, that much is obvious, and you’re great with him,” David says, gently taking Buck’s hands away and handing him a napkin to dry his tears. “Eddie told me about your situation and he understands that you’re going through a hard time. He’s lucky to have you as his boyfriend.”

Bucky freezes, his own heart pounding in his ears as he processes David’s last words. Has Eddie actually told his brother they were dating? No way, Buck reasons, squashing any hopes that come up to the surface. Eddie doesn’t see him that way, and most likely never will, he reminds himself.

“I’m not his boyfriend,” Buck corrects David, his tone coming off as more bitter than he intended.

“Oh, I’m sorry, I thought—"

“He’s probably out on a date as we speak,” Buck adds, the green monster in him rearing his head as he thinks of Lena getting her hands all over Eddie. David looks so sympathetic that Buck feels bad for his sour mood. “I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to take my frustration out on you.”

“It’s alright. I haven’t seen my brother in a while, but I’m pretty confident I can still read him, and I know he cares about you a great deal, even if you two are not dating,” David adds, scooting closer to him, close enough that Buck can feel the heat radiating from the man. “I can tell you care about him too.”

Buck swallows, avoiding David’s gaze. He cannot believe he’s that easy to read that a man he’s only met an hour ago can tell he’s harbouring feelings for his best friend.

“Listen, Evan,” David says, lifting Buck’s chin up to meet his eyes. “If Eddie really has no interest in you, which I doubt, that’s his loss. We don’t really know each other, but I’m a pretty good judge of character and you seem like a great guy.”

No one ever calls him Evan, aside from Eddie and Maddie, but he doesn’t correct David. It sounds right, coming from him. He’s a bit stunned, processing David’s words. If there’s one thing the Diaz brothers share other than their looks, it’s their kindness. Buck doesn’t feel like he deserves it and he’s sure David wouldn’t feel the same way if he knew just how screwed up Buck really is.

“Thanks,” he mumbles, breaking eye contact from David’s intense gaze. What’s with Diaz men and their beautiful eyes? Buck wonders. “But as you said, you don’t really know me. I’m sure you wouldn’t say that if you did.”

“Then try and prove me wrong,” David challenges him, once again surprising Buck. “I’d love to get to know you better. I’ve been intrigued by you from the beginning, Evan Buckley.”

“Why?” is all Buck can think of to say. “I’m not that interesting.”

“I don’t know; from what I’ve heard, you’re brave, selfless, kind, great with kids, all wrapped up in a beautiful face.”

Buck feels his face flushing hard. David just keeps on surprising him and he doesn’t know how to react. He never expected his day to turn out like this. How can anyone be so forward? He chances a look at David, catching the latter’s mischievous smile directed right at him.

“Sorry if I’m being too forward, but I’ve seen enough horrors to last a lifetime to know that life’s too short and I haven’t been able to stop looking at you from the moment I laid my eyes on you,” David adds, taking one of Buck’s hands in his, rubbing circles over his palm with his calloused fingertips. The gesture is intimate yet soothing, making Buck relax. “Which is why I can’t believe my idiot brother hasn’t locked you down yet, but lucky for me he hasn’t.”

“I don’t know what to say, David.”

Buck is lost, confused by David’s clear interest in him. David is definitely attractive, there’s no denying that, and he’s definitely got Eddie’s patience and compassion. The last thing he needs right now, however, is to date. He’s still so hung up on Eddie it’s not even funny. He hasn’t even fully grieved over the relationship he will never have with his best friend.

“Let me take you out to dinner tonight,” David says, undeterred. “Just as friends, alright? I know you’ve got a lot going on, but I’ve been told I’m a good listener and you seem like you could really use a friend.”

It actually sounds good to Buck. The fact that David doesn’t know him makes him the perfect neutral person to talk to if he wants to. He’s relieved to hear it’s not an actual date, grateful that David is so understanding.

“That sounds good,” Buck says in the end, the blinding smile he gets in response warming his heart.

“Make no mistake though, guapo,” David adds, bringing Buck’s hand to his lips. “I do intend on taking you out on a proper date one day, when you’re ready.”

Buck doesn’t respond to that, his heart beating too fast and his brain turned to mush. What has he gotten himself into?

“What the hell’s going on?”

Buck turns his attention to the living room’s entrance, finding Eddie standing there with a confused look on his face. He instinctively takes his hand back from David, standing up from the couch. He hadn’t even heard Eddie come in, too engrossed in his conversation with David. He pictures the scene from Eddie's point of view, wondering just how much his best friend has heard from their conversation. It doesn't matter though, Buck's pretty sure Eddie's at least heard the end, the most incriminating part.

Buck is screwed. 


	2. Chapter 2

Buck approaches Eddie with caution, apprehending his reaction. Their relationship has been strained enough because of Buck’s poor decisions and here he is, being wooed by Eddie’s brother and not even doing anything to stop it.

“Eddie—”

The pain in Eddie’s eyes cuts him off, breath hitched in his throat. David just comes up to his brother and gives him a pat on the back, unfazed by Eddie’s outburst.

“Hey, little brother,” David says casually. “You’re home already? Thought you wouldn’t be back until later for dinner.”

“What the hell was that, Dave?” Eddie hisses, putting himself between Buck and David. Buck has seldom seen Eddie so riled up and he’s not comfortable with it at all. “I’m gone for a day and you’re already hitting on my best friend?”

“Calm down, Eds,” David says, trying to contain his brother by putting both hands on his shoulders. Eddie is stiff as a rod, the tension in his muscles visible from where Buck stands. He has no idea what to say to Eddie and is more than happy to let David take the reins on this one. He feels guilty for ignoring Eddie this past week, for putting himself in this situation with David. He could’ve avoided this mess by calling Eddie ahead, he realizes now.

“I was just trying to be a friend to Evan,” David explains but Eddie gets out of his grip. David gives Buck a reassuring smile over Eddie’s shoulder before retreating. “I’ll go check on Chris and let you two talk.”

“We’re not done,” Eddie warns his brother but lets him walk away nonetheless before turning to grab Buck’s arm without a word. Buck can’t see Eddie’s face, fear taking over him as he wonders just what Eddie has in store for him. He lets Eddie take him out onto the porch, the front door closing behind them.

“I’m sorry, Eddie,” Buck says before Eddie can unleash his wrath, the look on his best friend’s face unreadable. “I should’ve called you before coming, I went by the station and I thought you would be home on your day off—”

Eddie hugs him, effectively cutting Buck off in his rant, holding the back of Buck’s head. Buck is shocked, having expected a punch or at least a glare from Eddie. He gingerly hugs his friend back, burying his face in Eddie’s neck when he feels the latter relaxing in his arms. As always, Eddie’s warm body feels amazing against his, the familiar scent Buck has come to cherish overwhelming him. He hasn’t felt this good in so long he’d forgotten it was possible.

“I’m so sorry, Eddie,” Buck repeats as he fights the sob threatening to get out, hoping his best friend will know just how awful he feels. Above all, he hopes that their friendship isn’t beyond repair. “I’m sorry for being such a jerk.”

“I came home as soon as I heard you came to the station,” Eddie says as he pulls back to look at him, his eyes guarded. “You dropped the lawsuit?”

Buck nods, watching Eddie’s shoulders relax, though his face is still unreadable to Buck, which pains him. Eddie has every reason to be pissed at him right now, and yet here he is, being his amazing calm self.

“Damn it, Evan,” Eddie mutters, anger seeping through his voice. “I know we weren’t supposed to talk or see each other because of that fucking lawsuit, but I needed you.”

“I know, I’m sorry—”

“_Christopher_ needed you!” Eddie’s voice rises, the frustration he’s apparently been building up now unleashing and making Buck recoil from him. “I wanted to call you so many times but didn’t. Then I called you anyway, for Christopher. Do you know how many times I’ve had to get up in the middle of the night to comfort him and all he wanted was you? How many times I’ve had to lie to my son about why you couldn’t come see him?”

Buck starts crying when Eddie’s voice breaks, the reality of his actions crashing down on him full force. David’s version of the events was toned down, he’s getting the full version now. He never considered how the lawsuit might affect Eddie or Christopher, that’s how stupid he was.

“His school called me because they were worried about him too,” Eddie adds, taking a shaky breath before he continues. “To make things worse, you changed the lock to your apartment, I thank God every day that Christopher wasn’t there when I found that out.”

His heart shatters and he has nothing to say at the moment that can ever fix what he’s done. He never listened to Eddie’s voicemails, too afraid to listen to his best friend’s voice then. It’s a miracle that he manages to stand on his two feet while Eddie lashes out at him. He’s had nightmares about this very moment and it’s even worse than what his subconscious could conjure.

“Don’t you ever do this to me again, Evan Buckley,” Eddie says at last, pointing a finger in his chest. “I can’t go through another week of you shutting me out, wondering if you’re even still alive in that damn apartment of yours.”

“I didn’t think you’d want anything to do with me anymore,” Buck admits as he wipes his tears and tries to catch his breath, looking down at their feet as he recalls Eddie’s last words to him that night at his place. It had felt like the end of their friendship. “I couldn’t stand the thought of you hating me.”

“I could never hate you, not truly,” Eddie’s tone and eyes soften a bit, his hand coming up to cup his face as he takes a deep breath. “I was hurt you didn’t think to come to me before going to that lawyer and that you actually listened to him and shut me out. I thought I meant more to you than that.”

Buck almost lets slip out how he truly feels about Eddie right there and then, how Eddie means the world to him. He revels in Eddie’s touch, leans into his hand and closes his eyes, wishes this moment would never end. It would be so easy to take one step, to close that small gap between them and capture Eddie’s lips, to let him know without words how much he loves him.

“I was being irrational,” Buck says at last when his sobs taper off. “I thought I was alone in this fight. I spent so much time in the hospital these past few months. I couldn’t be on active duty; the man I consider a father didn’t even deem me good enough to work. Worst of all, I couldn’t save Christopher. You have no idea how sorry I am for failing you and Christopher over and over again.”

Buck can’t help himself and tries to hug Eddie again, seeking comfort in the one person who’s truly made him feel at home. He sighs in relief when Eddie doesn’t push him away and welcomes him back in his arms.

“You can’t fail us if you come back to us,” Eddie says, squeezing Buck in his arms.

“I don’t know how I can ever redeem myself to you, but I’ll spend every waking seconds of the rest of my life doing whatever I have to,” Buck promises, reluctant to let Eddie go.

“All you have to do is answer me when I call, you hear me? That’s all I need,” Eddie says and Buck nods, his voice lost somewhere in his throat. They stay in each other’s arms for a while, Buck needing the reassurance that Eddie’s still here, that they’re going to be ok.

A loud car honk breaks them up, both of them turning to see a woman coming up to them. Lena Bosko. She’s wearing workout clothes, hair attached in a ponytail, and Buck struggles to hide his disdain.

“Hey, Diaz, you dropped this in my car,” she says as she throws Eddie’s wallet at him, barely acknowledging Buck’s presence with a nod when she joins them. “Everything alright?”

“Yeah, thanks, Lena,” Eddie says as he pockets his wallet. He really must have been in a rush to come home if he hadn’t noticed his wallet was gone. Eddie is usually so careful with his things. “Everything’s good.”

“We still on for dinner tonight?” Lena asks Eddie, turning her back on Buck. He takes a step back, watching the scene before him play out in slow motion, every sound fading in favour of his heartbeat. He had suspicions about Eddie and Lena, but to witness it happening in front of him is more painful than he could have imagined. Eddie catches his eyes, concern marring his face.

“Um, Lena, actually—”

“Yes, you are,” Buck cuts Eddie off, blurting the words without thinking and putting the best smile he can muster on his face. “Eddie asked me to watch Christopher tonight so you could go.”

“Evan—”

“Great! See you at 7 then. I’ll go home and freshen up,” she says with a smile, thanking Buck for babysitting before she drives off.

“Why did you do that?” Eddie asks him once she’s gone, opening the door and leading him back inside the house.

“You were going to bail on her,” Buck says, his voice still trembling a little in the aftermath of their conversation. The last thing he wants is to see Eddie dating someone else, but he knows he can’t be that someone Eddie can love and form a family with. Eddie will never love Buck the same way and he doesn’t want to be the reason Eddie doesn’t take a chance on love again. Buck has never seen Eddie date anyone the whole time he’s known him, apart from his attempt at rekindling things with Shannon—and that had gone to hell. Buck understands Eddie’s reluctance but he wants his best friend to be happy, even if it’s not with him.

“I just want to celebrate with you tonight,” Eddie argues, stopping in the hallway to talk.

“There’s nothing to celebrate,” Buck says, surprised that Eddie still wants to see him. “I’m just trying to fix my mistakes. You should go out with Lena, we’ll have plenty of other times to hang out, right?”

“Right.” Eddie chews on his bottom lip, contemplative, nodding to himself. “I’m going to go check on Christopher, but I want to talk to you about David first.”

“Eddie, about what you heard earlier—”

“I know my brother, I know he’s a big flirt,” Eddie says. “I love him, but you’ve got to be careful. I don’t know how much he’s told you, but David’s still adjusting to civilian life, he only got back last week.”

“I know, he told me,” Buck says, although he hasn’t thought about how David might be struggling with civilian life. He hasn’t shown any sign earlier, he seemed perfectly at ease to Buck. He knows first-hand how appearances can be deceiving though. “I don’t want to date him, Eddie. We’re just going to be friends.”

Eddie avoids his gaze, clearly not reassured. Buck can understand that Eddie doesn’t want him to date his brother. While Buck never hid his bisexuality to Eddie, he hasn’t advertised it either, having only mentioned in passing that he has dated guys a long time ago. He doesn’t want Eddie to dwell on that fact, for fear of Eddie finding out about Buck’s feelings for him and ruining their friendship. So, Buck has made it seem like it was a phase, his attraction to men, and they never talk about it.

They head to Christopher’s bedroom, where they find the 8-year-old playing with his uncle on the floor. As soon as they step foot inside, Christopher beams at them. Eddie runs to his son, crouching to hug him.

“Dad! I can’t breathe,” Christopher says with a giggle, hugging his father back and smiling at Buck.

“I missed you, mijo,” Eddie says, standing up with Christopher in his arms. “Oof! You’re getting too big for your old man.”

That earns him another chuckle from Christopher, a sound Buck never tires of. Buck watches them fondly, wishing he could be with them forever. He startles when he feels a hand on his lower back, turning to see David by his side.

“You all right?” David asks, his low voice along with his thumb brushing his back sending chills down Buck’s body.

“Yeah, all good,” Buck says, noticing Eddie’s frown directed at his brother. He doesn’t know how he’s going to deal with both brothers at the same time—he’s struggling enough as it is with Eddie alone, but with both? Buck is in over his head. If Eddie isn’t comfortable with Buck hanging out with his brother, Buck figures it’s not worth the grief for his best friend, even if David might be his chance at moving on from Eddie and having an actual chance at love.

“Chris, Papa’s going to have dinner with a friend from work tonight, ok?” Eddie says, looking back and forth between Christopher and David. “If it’s all right with tío David, you’ll be alone with him.”

“Ok, Papa,” Christopher mumbles, turning to look at Buck. “Can Buck stay with us?”

“It’s no trouble at all, you know that, Ed,” David says, his hand moving further to reach Buck’s hip and bring them closer. “What do you say, Evan?”

“Please, Buck! We can watch ghostbusters,” Christopher says, dropping out of his father’s arms back to his feet to walk over to him.

“You know I can’t say no to you, buddy,” Buck meets him halfway and hugs him, laughing at Christopher’s cheers. He looks up at Eddie to gauge his reaction, wondering if Eddie will let him watch his son. Buck has watched Christopher a couple of times after the tsunami incident, but he’s still not sure where he stands right now, after everything. Eddie only nods at him with a soft smile, though he seems almost…sad.

“You don’t actually have to, Evan,” Eddie says. “I can cancel my plans—”

“Nonsense,” David cuts his brother off. “You haven’t had a night off in ages, you deserve one.”

Eddie glares at his brother briefly, a look Buck almost misses, before he turns back to his son.

“I won’t stay up late, I’ll be back for story time, alright, mijo?” Eddie says, crouching beside Buck and Christopher and dropping a kiss on the latter.

“Ok, Dad.”

“David, can we talk?” Eddie asks his brother when he stands up, pointing out the bedroom.

“Sure thing.”

They leave them alone, closing the bedroom door behind them, which Buck thinks is the perfect opportunity to talk to Christopher about the trauma they’ve both endured. He’s curious about the conversation the two Diaz brothers are going to have, but he figures it’s none of his business. Besides, the few words he can overhead coming from outside the bedroom are all in Spanish, and Eddie sounds pissed. He lifts Christopher in the air, something he loves, and drops him on his bed.

“Listen, Christopher, I wanted to talk with you,” Buck says, sitting down beside him. “I wanted to apologize for not being here for you last week. Your uncle told me about your nightmares.”

“It’s ok, Buck, Dad told me you had problems, too,” Christopher says, patting Buck’s cheek. This world doesn’t deserve Christopher Diaz, Buck thinks as he holds more tears back.

“Still, I’m sorry,” Buck insists, taking Christopher’s little hand in his. “I know it’s hard, even for a hero like yourself. I have nightmares too, it’s normal, you know.”

“You have nightmares too?”

“Of course,” Buck says. “I was so scared of losing you. I have never been more scared in my life.”

“But I’m ok, Buck, you saved me,” Christopher assures him, giving him another hug. Buck squeezes Christopher in his arms, his chest feeling lighter already, though he’s unable to hold off the tears any longer. He can’t believe he’s lucky enough to have such a wonderful kid in his life. At that moment, he starts to believe he might have a chance at turning his life around.

“We’re going to be ok, kid,” Christopher says, bringing a chuckle out of Buck.

“Yes, we are,” he says, pulling back to look at Christopher. “Now, how about you show me these dinosaurs your uncle David gave you?”

“Yeah!”

\--

Eddie comes back inside the room a few minutes later, looking incredible with his hair still wet from a shower. Buck’s brain freezes for a second as he takes Eddie in smiling at him, dressed up in a tight Henley and even tighter jeans. He’s dressed to impress, a bitter reminder of his date with Lena. To be fair, Eddie would look good in pretty much anything and nothing—Buck stops his thoughts from going further down that road and looks away. It’s almost 6 pm, which leaves them about an hour before Eddie has to leave for his date. He’s still feeling a bit shaky around Eddie; the guilt that’s latched onto him not leaving any time soon.

“How was school today, sweetheart?” Eddie asks Christopher as he sits down beside him on the giant road playmat where they have been working on finishing the Lego death star Eddie had started with Christopher earlier.

“We learned about the different types of books,” Christopher starts telling about his day, which Buck has already heard earlier.

“I’m going to leave you two to catch up and get started on making dinner,” Buck says, ruffling Christopher’s hair as he stands up. Eddie catches his wrist before he leaves, mouthing a thank you. Buck gives him a quick smile before he flees.

Buck runs into David in the hallway, the latter dressed for a run with a loose-fitting shirt and shorts.

“Hey, I’m going for a run, want to join me?” David offers, standing far too close for comfort. Even with the larger shirt, Buck can see how ripped David is underneath. David grins when he catches Buck staring, daring to step even closer. Buck wouldn’t actually mind a run; he hasn’t worked out in a while and his body could use the exercise. Besides, he would love to clear his head after the emotional rollercoaster he’s gone through earlier with Eddie.

“I’m not exactly dressed for that,” Buck says, pointing at his dress shirt and jeans. Going on a run _with David_ is a bad idea, he just knows it. He’s tortured himself and tested his willpower often enough with Eddie ever since he’s known him, so he doesn’t want to worsen his case of blue balls with David. His life would be so much simpler if he was straight.

“You can borrow my clothes and Ed’s running shoes,” David replies with a shrug, not faltering in the least before Buck’s objection.

“I was going to start making dinner for us,” Buck argues weakly.

“There’s a ton of tamales leftover from the batch I made yesterday,” David counters, now standing so close to Buck they’re practically touching.

“You…you cook?” is all Buck can think to say, feeling his resolve breaking bit by bit.

“You don’t grow up with our abuela without learning a thing or two in the kitchen,” David says, taking hold of Buck’s shoulders. “Now, do you have any more excuses or are you ready to go change?”

Buck nods then, effectively out of arguments, and follows David to the guestroom, right next to Christopher's. David hands him a pair of shorts and a tee-shirt that seem to be Buck’s size. He starts unbuttoning his shirt when he notices David standing behind him, looking at him appreciatively.

“Do you mind?” Buck asks, stopping halfway and gesturing at David to get out.

“Sorry, I was distracted by the view,” David says, and Buck scoffs at that lame line. He waits until David is out of the room to change fully into the jogging gear. He finds David outside the bedroom, checking him out openly.

“I thought we were going to be just friends for now,” Buck chides David. He doesn’t have the heart—nor the certainty, for that matter—to tell him they’re never going to be more than that.

“Right, right,” David says. “Sorry, I just can’t help myself around someone I like. Besides, you were checking me out too.”

Buck blushes, which only serves to make David’s smile wider. David Diaz will be the death of him, Buck thinks.

“Let’s go, we have to be back before my brother leaves,” David says with a wink, patting his back to get him moving forward. David pops his head in Christopher’s room quickly to let them know where they’re going.

“I thought Buck was going to make dinner?” he hears Eddie says, his heart stabbed with more guilt.

“I told him we’d have last night’s leftovers. Tamales for dinner ok with you, Chris?” David asks and gets an enthusiastic yes from Christopher in response. On that note, they get out of the house.

In a week, David has already found several trails to run. Buck has run with Eddie a few times around his place, though it’s been a while now, what with all the health issues he’s accumulated recently. Buck is not as in shape as he used to be, he realizes, so he’s a bit behind David at first until the latter realizes it and slows down to match his pace. Buck concedes then that Bobby wasn’t so far off when he was delaying Buck’s return to active duty.

“Sorry, you don’t have to limit yourself on my account,” Buck says, a bit frustrated by his limitations.

“I don’t mind, I quite enjoy the company,” David says, sending Buck another one of his blinding smiles.

“You’re not so bad yourself,” Buck responds. “Now, can you stop distracting me? I have enough trouble running without talking.”

David chuckles. “Sure, no more distracting you, at least until we’re home.”

Buck tries to focus on his breathing for the rest of the 8-mile trail David chose, though he steals a few glances of David along the way, appreciating the latter’s defined muscles. He decides then he has to stay away from David after tonight. Buck is going to have a serious problem if he gives in to David’s charms. He cannot afford to have feelings for both Diaz brothers, although he’s afraid he’s already started to take a liking to David.

By the time they circle back home, Buck is out of breath, having to walk the remaining mile home to recuperate. He feels rejuvenated nonetheless and doesn’t regret going for that run, after all, the exercise clearing his head. Buck can’t help looking at David, who offers quite the sight, now that his shirt is plastered to his perfectly sculpted body.

“Eds! We’re home, you can leave now,” David shouts as they step inside, turning to Buck when he sees him breathing heavily. “You ok there?”

“Yeah, I’ll be fine,” Buck says, waiting for his heart to calm down. He can’t wait to get a shower, hating the way his clothes are clinging to his sweaty skin.

“Do you want to shower first?” David offers.

“No, you go first, I need to catch my breath.”

“Alright, I’ll be quick,” David says as he walks away, his firm ass and thick thighs on display for Buck to enjoy. If he’s not going to start anything with David, he figures there’s no harm in looking and appreciating his nice body from afar, at least—the same way he’s been longing for Eddie all this time. After a few more seconds resting, he manages to get to the kitchen to rehydrate, leaning on the kitchen island. He finds a pan with stir-fried vegetables and a giant pot of rice still steaming on the stove. Upon inspection, Buck finds a whole chicken roasting in the oven. Eddie couldn’t help himself, it seems, and now Buck feels like a jerk for not going through with his offer to cook earlier.

“Buck!” Christopher calls for him, standing on his crutches in the doorway to the kitchen.

“Hey, Superman! You hungry?” Buck asks, walking over to him and sees Eddie not far behind his son.

“A little,” Christopher replies, bumping lightly into Buck’s side.

“You can go in the living room while I finish dinner, ok, mijo?” Eddie says, giving a quick kiss to his son before he sends him off.

“How did the run go? You feeling alright?” Eddie asks Buck, ever the worrier.

“I’m great, I needed it,” Buck says, still hesitant around Eddie. “You didn’t have to cook, Eddie, you’re making me feel bad now.”

“Don’t, I wanted to and Chris had fun helping,” Eddie says. “I prepped everything yesterday anyway.”

Buck nods, half-convinced, and checks his watch. “Shouldn’t you go? It’s almost 7.”

“Lena cancelled, she’s feeling under the weather,” Eddie says, flashing Buck a smile. “It’s just as well, now we can all have dinner together. I made cilantro and lime rice.”

“You did?” Buck says, barely giving a second thought to Eddie’s flimsy explanation for his dinner plans falling through. He’s too touched that Eddie made his favourite dish to dwell on Lena. It’s supposed to be a side dish, but Eddie’s version is so good Buck could eat it on its own—and he has, on several occasions. Eddie nods, mirroring Buck’s delight, and if he weren’t covered in sweat, he’d hug Eddie. “Thank you, Eddie. I don’t deserve you.”

“Stop flagellating yourself, be here for us and we’re good, that’s all I’m asking,” Eddie says as he goes to check on the chicken.

“Evan, the shower’s all yours,” David shouts from the bathroom, prompting Buck to go.

“You know where to find the towels,” Eddie tells him, to which Buck nods. He’s fetching a towel from the linens cabinet when David comes out of the bathroom, naked save for the towel around his waist. Buck’s gaping like a fool, eyes riveted on every inch of David’s taut, wet, ripped body. The man looks like a photoshopped model, from his arms to his legs, Buck is envious _and_ turned on at the same time.

“See something you like?” David’s voice brings him back to the present.

“Um, I, uh,” Buck stammers, shaking his head to regain his senses and glares at David. “You’re playing dirty!”

“Hey, can’t blame a guy for using his best assets, can you?” David says with a chuckle and points at the bathroom. “I put your clothes inside for you.”

“Thanks,” Buck says before he goes in, contemplating an icy shower to calm down; it just wouldn’t feel right to get off in his best friend’s bathroom, especially because David ignited that reaction in him.

Thankfully, Buck manages to turn himself off without resorting to an unpleasant cold shower. He tries to plan the rest of his week. He still has his position as a fire marshal, which he’s managed to keep. He tries to think of ways to mend all his relationships at work. He wants to see Bobby and Athena first, to properly apologize to them both for his childish behaviour. He tries to come up with ideas to make up to Eddie for all the grief he’s caused him and Christopher.

By the time he’s done, he’s satisfied with his plans for the rest of the week. He overhears Eddie and David from the kitchen, both brothers having what sounds like a heated argument in Spanish. Buck stands frozen in the hallway, pondering what to do. It's the second time now that he finds them fighting, which makes Buck wonder if he's responsible. He debates for a few seconds, opting, in the end, to go keep Christopher company in the living room instead.

“Hey, buddy, what are you up to?” he joins Christopher at the coffee table, sitting beside him to observe his work. Thankfully, they can’t hear the Diaz brothers arguing from where they’re sitting. Christopher doesn’t need that in his life.

“This is you and this is me,” Christopher explains his drawing, pointing at Buck and himself, surrounded by water all around. Christopher has drawn him a cape and written “SuperBuck” next to him. Buck tears up, hugging Christopher sideways while the latter keeps colouring the rest of the water with his blue crayon.

“I love it,” Buck says, getting one of Christopher’s signature smiles in return.

“Dinner’s ready!” Eddie announces as he brings the chicken on a tray to the dining table.

“Come on, champ, let’s eat,” Buck tells Christopher, waiting for him to stand up on his own before he takes his hand. Buck watches both Diaz brothers set the table, taking a deep breath before he goes to face them both at the same time, happy to have Christopher with him for moral support.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Here's chapter 2, which I posted a bit earlier but revised it after I saw some bits and pieces of episode 5 (mainly the fight between Eddie and Buck). This fic clearly deviates from canon, but I'm still getting inspired by the show. I hope I stay true to the characters and I hope you enjoy this. Let me know what you think, I love reading your thoughts. A big thank you for reading and commenting.


	3. Chapter 3

Buck sits next to Christopher at the dining table, across from David and with Eddie at his right at the end. Buck observes both brothers, not noticing any overt animosity between them but he can sense Eddie’s sullen mood. Buck is curious to know what they fought about. He suspects it was about him if they spoke in Spanish to avoid him understanding their conversation.

Eddie fixes Christopher a plate, making sure to put more vegetables than meat, handing it to Buck who helps Christopher cut his piece of chicken breast.

“Thanks, Buck,” Christopher says, holding his fork in his fist to pierce his food. Eddie keeps carving the chicken, giving them their plate with a couple of pieces each. Buck only realizes how hungry he is when the delicious smells hit him.

“You’re welcome, champ,” Buck replies before he helps himself with the rice. He shoots Eddie a grateful smile, stopping himself from moaning when he starts eating. “Thanks for dinner, Eddie, this is amazing as always.”

“You’re welcome. I’m just glad you’re back with us,” Eddie lights up at his praise.

“So, Evan, how long have you been a firefighter?” David asks as he passes him a beer bottle.

“A little over three years now,” Buck says, trying to hide his disappointment over his current situation with a smile and by stuffing his mouth with food.

“Buck is an awesome firefighter, just like Dad!” Christopher exclaims with his mouth full, cheering Buck up instantly.

“You’ll come back to the station soon enough, Buck,” Eddie reassures him, having sensed his distress. “We’ll help you pass the time, right, Chris?”

“Yeah!” Christopher turns to him. “Are you going to live with us too, Buck?”

“What? What makes you think that?” Buck asks, taken aback by the question. He looks up at Eddie whose expression he can’t quite decipher, though he doesn’t seem as shocked as Buck is. David, on the other hand, looks downright amused.

“Daddy says you have to get better before you can go back to work with him,” Christopher explains. “Just like uncle David who’s living with us to get better.”

“That’s different, querido,” Eddie says between bites, pausing to take a sip of water. “We’ve talked about this, remember? Buck has a home already.”

Buck is floored. This is not the first time they’ve talked about Buck moving in with them.

“I would love to live with you, Christopher,” Buck says gently, putting his hand on his shoulder. “But as your Dad said, I have my own place, with my own bed. Your house has three bedrooms and there’s already three of you.”

“Why can’t you sleep in Dad’s bed? Mom and Dad slept in the same bed,” Christopher says, not discouraged at all. It’s incredible how children’s innocent logic works, Buck thinks. He’s uncomfortable at the mention of Shannon, wondering if Christopher can actually tell how much Buck loves his father. David lets out a chuckle and Eddie shuts him up with a nudge in his ribs. Buck just hopes Eddie isn’t offended by what Christopher’s questions imply, so Buck jumps in before Eddie can react.

“Your Dad and Mom were married and loved each other very much, Christopher,” Buck explains, looking at Eddie to make sure he’s not overstepping. Eddie nods at him, letting him continue. Buck takes a sip of his beer, his throat getting dry.

“Why don’t you and Dad get married? You love each other,” Christopher says and this time Buck does choke on his beer, coughing loudly. Eddie comes to the rescue, giving his back a few taps. Buck’s face feels hot and his heart is racing, pictures of Eddie dressed in a suit standing before an altar flashing in his mind. Poor, sweet, innocent Christopher has no idea how much torture this is to Buck, bringing all these thoughts of dating Eddie up to the surface. To think he was counting on Christopher to help get through dinner.

Buck has never thought of marriage before Eddie and Christopher came into his life. The thought has crossed his mind many times in the past. He’s longed to be with Eddie and Christopher permanently, as part of his fantasy where he and Eddie get married and he adopts Christopher. It’s a dream he’s developed over the past year as he spent more time with them. He knows it’s just a dream, a scenario most people would never expect of him considering his past womanizer ways. Christopher has no idea he’s torturing him with all these questions.

“Buck and I won’t get married because we don’t love each other that way, ok, mijo?” Eddie intervenes, his tone leaving no room for discussion. Thankfully, Christopher just nods at his father and drops the conversation there, resuming his dinner. Buck recovers from his near-inhalation, ignoring Eddie’s words confirming his friend’s definitive platonic feelings towards him. He can feel his face is still flushed from Christopher’s questions about he and Eddie as a couple and he dares not look Eddie in the eye.

“Buck can sleep over tonight though, you’ve got an air mattress, don’t you?” David speaks up, at last, getting everyone’s attention. Christopher turns to his dad with a hopeful gaze.

“Dad! Can he?” Christopher says then immediately turns to Buck. “Please, Buck! You can sleep in my room!”

Buck and Eddie exchange a look then, silently communicating. Buck is relieved that they can still read each other like this at least, with no word needed. Buck asks permission, which Eddie grants him, so he turns to Christopher to tell him yes. It’s not hard for Buck to agree; he would sleep better at night if he had Christopher right next to him, knowing the kid is safe and sound.

They finish dinner listening to David and Eddie’s childhood. Being the only two boys among the rest of the Diaz siblings, they’ve always been close, and it shows. It makes Buck wonder why Eddie never brought his brother up before, which is something he’ll have to ask Eddie later.

Buck sends Eddie to go take care of Christopher before bedtime and volunteers to clean up after dinner. He finds himself clearing the table with David, putting everything in the dishwasher. Between the four of them, they’ve eaten everything and Buck is full. He and David work in companionable silence, Buck admiring David’s efficiency, similar to Eddie’s. They both are similar in many ways, their years in the army adding to that.

“Come talk with me a sec,” David asks Buck once they’re done, leading him to the garden where Eddie set a little deck with rocking chairs. They sit down next to each other, David with a cup of coffee and Buck with a beer.

“Listen, Evan,” David starts, resting his elbows on his thighs. “I like you—I think I’ve made myself pretty clear about that—and I could see us building something together.”

Buck nods, wondering where David is going with this.

“But I’ve seen the way you look at my little brother. You’re in love with him, aren’t you?” David states more than asks, putting his hand on Buck’s arm and looking at him with sympathetic eyes. Buck looks away, burned by the pity he sees in David’s gaze. He nods in response, unable to get his vocal cords to work.

“Look, I’ve always suspected Eddie to be bi,” David continues, his words picking Buck’s interest. “He’s never said anything, I don’t think he’s ever let himself sleep with a guy before.”

“The thing is, we grew up in a very catholic household in Texas of all places. As you can imagine, our parents—our dad especially—didn’t take it really well when I came out as gay. Our fights were pretty rough on everyone and I ended up leaving our home after graduating high school. I just couldn’t take it anymore, it was suffocating. I enlisted not long after that, so it’s been a bit brutal for Eddie. I left and he couldn’t see me because I was away. I think he enlisted to get closer to me, to be honest.”

Buck listens, captivated by David’s history. It hits a bit too close to home and Buck feels for David’s past self. It must have been hard, being rejected by his family, going into the army fresh out of high school.

“DADT was still in place when we started serving, I’m guessing that didn’t help him. Hell, I know it messed _me_ up the first few years, coming out only to go right back in the closet at work.”

“My point is, I don’t think he’s let himself explore that part of him, because of my father and the way things ended for me,” David says.

“What makes you think Eddie is bi?” Buck finds his voice eventually, hope blooming in his chest. Eddie has never shown any signs that he might be even remotely interested in men and Buck has been paying close attention.

“I caught him making out with the captain of his high school football team a couple of times. That’s actually what prompted me to come out, to make him feel less alone, to let him know it was ok.”

“No. No way,” Buck says and stands up, reeling from David’s words. He has to be wrong; Eddie can’t possibly feel the same way about him, Eddie is _straight_. Buck feels like he’s been punched in the throat, his breathing becoming shallower and his heart pounding furiously in his chest. His world has been thrown off its axis, his brain frozen as he tries to process everything David’s told him.

“Why are you telling me all this?” Buck asks as he starts pacing. What kind of person would torture another like this? Giving someone false hope is one of the worst predicaments one can inflict on another.

“I’m telling you this because you are both idiots and watching you two during dinner was extremely painful,” David replies, standing up as well and grabbing Buck’s arms to steady him and look him in the eye. “You’re _both_ obviously in love with each other, has anyone ever told you that? He looks at you like you hung the moon.”

David looks serious, his gaze unwavering. Buck wants to believe him, more than anything, but he’s never let himself hope for more than friendship with Eddie.

“I was tempted to keep this to myself, to be honest,” David adds, releasing his hold on Buck. “But Eddie has been through a lot and I want him to be happy. Raising Christopher on his own and losing Shannon cannot have been easy for him, even if he doesn’t show it. He’s the type of guy that keeps everything bottled up, never liked complaining.”

“You make them both happy though, I can tell. Eddie’s just too scared to admit it to himself, he’s in complete denial. I mean, he was so jealous he cancelled his dinner plans to keep me from doing anything untoward with you.”

“What? I thought _Lena_ bailed on him,” Buck says, then a thought comes to him. “Is that why you guys fought earlier?”

“Mostly, yeah. He was pissed at me for hitting on you, angrier than I’ve ever seen him,” David answers, heaving a sigh. “That’s what ticked me off. That and the way he’s been acting last week when he couldn’t talk to you.”

“I still can’t believe you,” Buck says. “It all just sounds insane.”

“Look, I’ll try talking some sense into him, alright?” David says, taking Buck’s hand. “Worst case scenario, I’m wrong and he doesn’t actually have feelings for you—which, at this point, is pretty much impossible—but then you always have me as a consolation prize, which isn’t that bad, am I right?”

David manages to make him laugh, which is quite the accomplishment considering Buck’s state of mind right now. His brain is still trying to process everything David just told him, part of him still not computing the fact he could actually have a shot with Eddie. He also cannot believe how detached and selfless David is; it makes him feel bad for the older man.

“Thank you, David, you’re a good brother,” Buck says, bringing David into his arms for a hug. David’s an excellent hugger, his strong body enveloping Buck in a warm embrace the same way Eddie does. It’s uncanny, really. “And a good friend.”

“You’re welcome, guapo,” David says, tightening his grip around Buck before pulling away to look at him. “Damn, why are you so pretty? You sure you want my brother and not me?”

“I’m afraid so, yes,” Buck confirms with a chuckle and releases David. The way he keeps comparing David to Eddie only proves how Eddie is omnipresent in his thoughts. Buck is completely head over heels for his best friend and as long as he is, he won’t be able to give himself to anyone else. It wouldn’t be fair to David, no matter how tempting he is. Part of Buck is proud of himself for not giving in to his primal desires the way he would have not so long ago. He’s glad Eddie and Christopher have changed him for the better.

“We should go back inside,” David says, opening the door to the kitchen.

They walk to the main hallway just when Eddie and Christopher come out of the bathroom with Christopher freshly bathed. Christopher runs into Buck’s arms, giddy to have him sleep over.

“Can we watch Ghostbusters now?” Christopher asks, giving Buck his best puppy eyes look that works every time. Buck is about to give in when Eddie steps in.

“It’s getting late, Chris, you have school tomorrow,” Eddie reminds his son, steering Buck towards Christopher’s bedroom. David bids them goodnight and heads to his room.

“We’ll watch it tomorrow after school, ok? How about we read a story instead?” Buck suggests as they step in Christopher’s room.

“Yes, please!” Christopher says, getting out of his arms to get on his bed as Buck grabs one of his books. While he and Christopher settle comfortably on his bed with _Harry Potter and the Chamber of Secrets_, Eddie sets Buck’s bed up on the floor. There’s just enough room for the single air mattress to fit at the foot of Christopher’s bed and it takes no time at all for Eddie to get everything ready and join them.

Buck narrates while Eddie’s in charge of voicing the characters’ lines, Christopher laughing at his father’s attempt at a British accent. Hearing Christopher’s carefree laugh is healing, spurring Buck on to give his best performance for the kid. They go through one chapter before Christopher starts drifting off to sleep, at which point Buck lays him down and tucks him in.

“Sweet dreams, mijo,” Eddie says, planting a kiss on his son’s forehead before removing his glasses. Buck is tempted to do the same but holds back. Christopher is not his son, no matter how much he wishes he were.

“Goodnight, Papas,” Christopher mumbles, the last word freezing Buck on the spot. He must have misheard. He hopes Eddie doesn’t freak out.

“Come on, let’s get you changed into sleepwear,” Eddie says like nothing major just happened, leading Buck to his room. He gets nervous at the idea of going to Eddie’s room, just the two of them. It’s more nerve-wracking than before and Buck has to hold his hands behind his back to hide their tremor. He doesn’t know how to act around Eddie anymore after David’s revelations. Buck waits a couple of feet behind while Eddie rummages through his wardrobe, allowing himself to enjoy the view of Eddie’s strong back. He’s watched Eddie for so long he’s confident he could pick him out of a crowd.

“Here you go,” Eddie gives him a pair of pyjama bottoms and a plain tee-shirt. “There’s a toothbrush waiting for you in the bathroom.”

“Thanks, Eddie,” Buck starts, taking a deep breath for what he wants to say. Eddie looks up, his beautiful brown eyes focused on him, making it harder for Buck to speak. “I…I can’t thank you enough, for everything. I just…I just want to apologize again, I’m sorry for being such a bad friend to you and Christopher.”

“If you want me to forgive you once and for all, you’ll have to stop apologizing over and over at some point, you know?” Eddie says as he steps close and rests his hand on Buck’s shoulder, thumb brushing his neck. The touch is electrifying and terrifying, Buck’s breath and pulse quickening as he looks at Eddie.

“I just want you to know how sorry I am,” Buck says, putting his hand over Eddie’s warm one.

“Consider the message received, yeah?” Eddie says, Buck nodding in response. It feels so nice, being this close to Eddie again. He wants desperately to kiss him but remains frozen, still unable to take the next step. No matter what David’s told him, Buck’s mind still hasn’t lifted the ‘Straight’ label off of Eddie.

“I’ll go change and go to bed, I’m pretty tired,” Buck says, panic starting to seize him as this intimate moment starts to drag.

“Yeah,” Eddie says as he takes his hand back, giving him a soft smile. “Goodnight, Evan.”

“Goodnight, Eddie.”

Buck flees Eddie’s bedroom, running his hand over his face to snap out of his haze. How can he hope to be more than friends with Eddie when restraining himself around his best friend has become second nature? Eddie has always been off-limits.

He changes quickly and brushes his teeth in the bathroom, finding his forgotten phone on the closed toilet seat. He’d completely forgotten about it. He finds multiple missed calls from his sister as well as a couple of texts. He grabs a jacket and steps outside to call her back.

“Evan, finally!” Maddie says. “Are you ok? I saw Eddie right after you left the station; did you guys talk?”

“Hey, Mads, calm down,” Buck says, feeling bad for not keeping in touch with her better. “I’m fine, I’m at Eddie’s.”

“Oh, everything ok?”

“Yeah, we’re good,” Buck assures her. “Are _you_ ok?”

“I’m fine, I was just worried about you,” his sister says and lets out a sigh of relief. “Are you going home soon? You could come sleep over tonight if you want.”

“I’m staying at Eddie’s tonight.”

“Really? Are you two—”

“No, nothing like that,” Buck cuts her off before she gets the wrong idea. His sister’s the only one he’s confided in about his feelings for Eddie. He couldn’t hide it from her anyway, he figured he might as well tell her everything. Buck knows he couldn’t have survived without her and he will be eternally grateful that she’s still here to support him. She’s the reason he’s here today, he reminds himself, he owes it all to her.

“Ok, if you say so,” Maddie says. “Howie and I are off tomorrow; do you want to come over for lunch? He’s missed you too.”

“Sure, that sounds good,” Buck replies, rearranging his plans for tomorrow in his head. “I’ll see you tomorrow, then? Want me to bring anything?”

“Just bring yourself, that’ll be plenty enough,” his sister teases. “See you tomorrow, Ev, love you.”

“Love you too,” Buck says before hanging up and walking back inside the house. He’s feeling the exhaustion he’s accumulated over the past few days crashing down on him, even though it’s barely 9 pm.

He makes his way to Christopher’s bedroom and settles down on the comfortable airbed, making sure not to make too much noise. The blanket is heavy and smells like Eddie, lulling him to sleep fast with Eddie’s beautiful face as his last thought.

\--

“Buck!”

Someone is shaking his shoulder and calling for him, waking him up from a deep sleep.

“Wha…?” Buck mumbles, blinking a few times until Christopher comes into view. He sits up with a jolt and takes Christopher in his arms, his pulse skyrocketing.

“You ok, bud? Bad dream?” Buck asks, checking Christopher for injuries before he takes him back in his arms.

“No but I think uncle David is having one,” Christopher replies, resting his cheek on Buck’s chest and holding his arms with his small hands. “He screamed and woke me up. Daddy told me I can’t go see him when he has bad dreams.”

“I’ll go check on him, ok? Let’s get you back into bed,” Buck whispers, carrying Christopher back to his bed. He drops a kiss on Christopher’s head after tucking him back in and gets a kiss on his cheek in return.

“Thanks, Buck,” Christopher whispers, burrowing under his covers. Buck rubs at his eyes, glancing at the alarm clock by Christopher’s bed. 4 a.m. and yet after 7 hours of sleep Buck is still tired.

Buck treads lightly on the wooden floor to David’s room, glancing at Eddie’s closed bedroom door. He can hear Eddie’s soft snores, his friend seemingly undisturbed. Buck finds David thrashing in his bed, covers pushed aside and his torso covered with sweat. The only thing separating Christopher and David’s beds is the wall, Buck realises. It’s no wonder Christopher was woken up, the guestroom is next to his and furthest from Eddie’s.

David’s look of anguish and mumbling is a painful sight to watch as Buck approaches the bed, pondering what to do. Should he wake David up? He sits on the bed and gingerly puts his hand on David’s shoulder. His head spins as he’s abruptly flipped on his back and straddled, a strong grip on his neck closing his airway.

Buck is petrified, watching David above him, strangling him, as though possessed. He struggles for air, his hands trying to break David’s hold on his neck but to no avail. Trying another strategy, Buck uses his legs to kick David off of him and succeeds, throwing David on the floor. He tries to catch his breath, wheezing and coughing each time he breathes in as he rubs his neck where he can still feel David’s fingers closing in.

“Dios mio.”

David’s voice sounds far away, ringing in his Buck’s ears. In his peripheral vision, he sees David rushing to his side, prompting Buck to turn to look at him. David’s face is pale, fear etched on his features.

“Fuck, Evan, I’m so sorry,” David says, his shaking hands hovering but not touching. “Oh Lord, what have I done?”

Buck’s breathing progressively comes easier, his body still in shock from the assault. He watches David start hyperventilating, his entire body shivering, which ultimately jumpstarts Buck’s body into action. He envelops David in a tight hold, trying to contain him.

“Hey, David, you’re ok, you’re safe,” Buck says as David latches onto him. “Breathe with me, in, out…”

Buck tries to breathe slowly, keeping his voice low to get David to match his rhythm. Buck has been confronted with people having panic attacks before, thankfully. He sighs in relief when within a few minutes he gets David to calm down.

“You’re ok,” Buck repeats and rests his forehead on the nape of David’s neck, his heart breaking when David starts sobbing. Buck lays them down on the bed on their side, arms still wrapped around David. Buck silently thanks Eddie for having the foresight to warn his son off from coming to see his uncle in this state.

“I’m so sorry, Evan,” David mutters, curling up into a foetal position.

“It’s alright, you were having a nightmare,” Buck whispers. “Go back to sleep, I’m not going anywhere.”

It takes a while for David’s breathing to even out, for his body to stop shivering. While he waits for David to cry himself to sleep—unknowingly breaking Buck’s heart in the process—he has plenty of time to recover from what just happened. For a second, Buck thought he was going to die, _again_. It’s a horrible feeling, the fear of imminent death, one Buck would love to never experience again. It dawns on him then. This fear is basically what David’s going through with each panic attack.

Eddie was right; David needs help adjusting to life outside of the army, which is probably why he’s going to the VA later this morning. It makes Buck wonder if Eddie suffered from PTSD as well, if anyone was there to help him get through it. It pains him to think about Eddie dealing with this on his own so he brushes the thought aside and focuses on his breathing again.

David nuzzles against his chest, allowing Buck to shift their positions and lie on his back with David practically on top of him. It feels nice, he thinks, having someone to cuddle with in bed after so many nights alone, even in these circumstances. If he can provide David with some comfort, he’ll have at least been useful for something, he reasons. Buck massages David’s scalp idly, enjoying the feel of his soft hair until he drifts to sleep as well.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter is brought to you by Lady Gaga's _I'll Never Love Again_, which makes me emotional every. Single. Time. It definitely got my creative gears going for this chapter.  
Also, your lovely comments of course are the best motivation.  
This took a totally different direction from what I had initially planned, David took a life of his own and decided to do the right thing here, which seemed more organic to me.  
Let me know what you think, I adore reading your thoughts.  
Next chapter :  



	4. Chapter 4

Buck slowly wakes up, enveloped in warmth and comfort. He doesn’t remember sleeping this well for a long time. As the fog dissipates from his mind, he remembers the events of last night. He finds David sleeping on him, wrapped by Buck’s left arm, head resting on his chest. David looks at peace, his beautiful face relaxed, a relief for Buck who likes that sight better. He lies back and closes his eyes, enjoying the moment a bit longer.

His watch starts beeping, waking him before he falls back asleep. He turns off his 7 am alarm and extricates himself from David. It’s a tricky tangle of limbs he has to get out of, made more difficult when David holds him back. It makes it harder for Buck to get out of bed, David’s arms gripping on tight. Buck runs his fingers through David’s silky hair and kisses his head, hoping to trick David into relaxing and letting him go. He eventually gets out of bed, rubbing at his eyes to wake up fully and taking a few steps when his body stops.

Across the doorway stands Eddie, freshly showered and dressed. Eddie's scrutinizing him with a horrified expression on his face and the gravity of the situation dawns on him then. His legs refusing to move despite his urgent need to go to his friend. Eddie doesn’t seem like he’s just passing by; he looks like he’s been standing there for a while, watching them sleep—but for how long? Buck looks back at David, who sleeps still undisturbed—shirtless, Buck remembers now. The feel of David’s smooth skin brushing against his now forever engraved in his memory. Buck hates the look of fury and terror on Eddie’s face, the same one Buck had to face the day he told Eddie he’d lost his son in the tsunami.

“Eddie,” he whispers, his feet finally obeying him and moving him forward. That’s when Eddie starts walking away, prompting Buck to run after him.

“Eddie!” he calls, grabbing his friend's hand before the latter can go too far. They stop in the hall, where it’s still so dark Buck can barely see Eddie’s face. His best friend tries to snatch his hand back but Buck hangs on.

“It’s not what you think,” Buck starts, fear taking over him.

“You don’t have to give me details,” Eddie says, keeping his voice low and his gaze down. “I…I’m—I’m happy…for you.”

“Eddie…no,” Buck shakes his head. “Nothing happened—”

“Really, Buck, it’s great!” Eddie says, his breathing coming in fast and shallow. “Are you kidding? My brother—my brother, together with…with my b—best friend.”

“Eddie, it’s obviously not ‘great’. Look at you, you’re trembling and stuttering,” Buck points out, alarmed by Eddie’s reaction. He didn’t expect Eddie to freak out this way, out of his usual composed and confident aura. Anger would have been preferable. Buck takes a chance and embraces his friend to calm him down, the same way he did with David earlier. Eddie is stiff in his arms but doesn’t reject him, which is more than Buck expected. He’s still shaken, afraid his already fragile friendship with Eddie is even more compromised now. Dating David seems definitely out of question now, if this is how Eddie takes it.

“Dad?” Christopher interrupts them, startling Buck. They both turn to find the boy standing in front of his bedroom, hugging his firefighter bear close to his chest, his glasses askew as he rubs his eyes.

“Hey, good morning, champ,” Buck says, gesturing at Christopher to come over to them but still keeping Eddie in his arms. His friend is not shivering anymore, breaking out of Buck’s embrace to go greet his son, picking him up.

“Morning, querido,” Eddie says with a shaky voice. “Did you sleep well?”

Christopher nods, pointing at Buck. “I had Buck to protect me from the nightmares.”

Eddie nods, a brief smile crossing his face. Buck greets Christopher with a fist bump, the latter frowning at him as he leans closer.

“What’s on your neck, Buck?” Christopher asks, causing Eddie to look as well, his eyes widening as he drops his son down and invades Buck’s space. His heart jumps high, his breath stuck in his throat when he gets a whiff of Eddie’s scent, his eyes riveted on Eddie’s lips.

“We’ll be right back, mijo, I’m going to check on Buck, ok?” Eddie says as he takes his hand, leading him to the bathroom.

“Woah, Eddie, what’s going on?” Buck asks as Eddie’s fingers touch his neck, his legs almost giving out under him. Eddie’s touch sets his sensitive skin on fire, stroking him ever so lightly. He’s confused over all the different emotions that have overcome him in the last few minutes.

“Did David do this to you?” Eddie asks, keeping his voice low, his cold tone sending chills down Buck’s spine. He puts Buck in front of the mirror above the sink, showing him the dark purple colour his neck has turned into. It’s a nasty-looking bruise, Buck admits as he presses his fingers over it. The blood thinners certainly didn’t help. He can almost see the outline of David’s fingers printed on his skin. He can’t go see his sister looking like this, she’ll freak out. Eddie takes him back, his hands cupping either side of Buck’s neck, his thumbs brushing over where David’s hands had no doubt bruised his skin.

“It was my fault,” Buck says. “Your brother was having a nightmare and I tried to wake him.”

“How can you say that?” Eddie counters. “It’s not your fault. Damn it, Buck, I’m so sorry. This never should’ve happened.”

“Please don’t blame him, he feels bad enough—”

“I know, Ev, I’ve been through it,” Eddie cuts him off, pointing at his neck. “But it doesn’t make this ok.”

“Can we talk about this later?” Buck asks and grabs Eddie’s wrists, looking over at the closed bathroom door, thinking of Christopher waiting on the other side. Eddie reluctantly drops his hands and lets him go.

“Are you ok, Buck?” Christopher asks when they come out, standing right outside the bathroom. Buck detests the worried expression on the kid’s face. He walks over to Christopher and crouches down to his level, putting his hands on his shoulders.

“I’m fine, Chris, your daddy checked me and I’m all good, right, Eddie?”

When he turns to look back at Eddie, the latter’s struggling to put on a smile but he nods at his son nonetheless. Eddie takes Christopher back to the kitchen to get breakfast, Buck following behind them.

“Pancakes for breakfast?” Eddie asks as he takes out the flour container from one of the cupboards.

“I want Buck’s pancakes!” Christopher says once he manages to sit at the kitchen table. Buck chuckles, glad that the morning routine’s back on track thanks to Christopher’s enthusiasm.

“Blueberry pancakes coming up, milord,” Buck says with a British accent as he pours Christopher some orange juice. A chuckle escapes Eddie’s lips as he finishes setting up all the ingredients for Buck before he moves on to making them hot drinks. Buck enjoys breakfast with his favourite people in the world, thankful to have the privilege to share their home life like this. As he sits at the kitchen table drinking his coffee to the sound of Christopher’s laughter and the sight of Eddie’s smile, Buck forgets for a moment all the hardships he's faced and those that are yet to come. He can pretend this is his actual family, going through their morning routine.

By the time they’re about to leave the house, David emerges from his room, looking completely dejected. Buck takes a step towards David to check on him when he feels Eddie holding him back.

“I’ll talk to him,” Eddie tells him, pushing Buck behind him. “I’ll meet you in the car.”

“Eddie, please—”

“Don’t worry,” Eddie cuts him off, ushering them out. Buck gives in, offering David a smile before he leads Christopher out of the house. He feels for David, wishing he could comfort him without causing more conflict between both brothers. He hopes Eddie won’t blame his brother for what happened last night. If anything, it was an accident, though Buck knows Eddie doesn’t see things that way.

“All right, let’s go, Superman,” Buck says as he opens the car door and helps Christopher get settled. Eddie is quick to join them, getting into the passenger seat beside his son with Buck at the wheel. Buck listens to the chatter between Christopher and Eddie, putting his worry over David aside for the moment.

They drop Christopher off at school together, each giving a hug to Christopher before the latter joins his friends. The sense of normalcy and routine is soothing. The fear of losing Eddie and Christopher he’s carried with him ever since the lawsuit dissipating from his mind. He is so grateful Maddie pushed him to drop the lawsuit, to make amends.

“I’m glad you two have worked things out,” Florence—Christopher’s teacher—tells them with a smile. Buck is shocked into silence by her words, what they imply. “It’s good to see Christopher this happy again.”

“So am I,” Eddie tells her with a polite smile, not correcting her and putting his hand on Buck’s back to lead him back to the car. “I have a shift today, so Carla will come to pick him up this afternoon.”

“Sure, no problem, have a good day.”

“You too,” Eddie says. Buck is speechless on the way back to the car, letting Eddie take over and drive to the station.

“You ok?” Eddie asks him when he starts the car.

“Yeah,” he replies, touching his neck. “Does it look any better?”

“No, it looks even worse in daylight,” Eddie says after looking closely. “Perhaps you should go see a doctor.”

“Nah, I’ll be fine,” Buck shrugs him off, thinking about Maddie’s lunch invitation. He was looking forward to seeing her and Chimney, so much he’s still hesitating right now. “Hey, you didn’t switch teams, did you? You had yesterday off when the rest of the team was working.”

“Lena and I switched shifts with Gabrielle and Brian, they needed today off,” Eddie answers, reminding Buck he’s not Eddie’s partner anymore. He swallows his disappointment and stares at the road ahead. He struggles to plan the conversation he needs to have with Eddie about David. Thankfully, Eddie is content to remain silent the rest of the drive to the station.

Buck waits until they get to the personnel’s entrance to talk to Eddie.

“Eddie, wait, I need to tell you something,” he says, pulling Eddie back from the door. He takes a deep breath as he faces Eddie’s expectant look, his arms crossed over his chest.

“David and I didn’t sleep together,” Buck blurts out, going off-script. Eddie’s face is unreadable, throwing him off. “I mean, we fell asleep in the same bed, but what I mean is, I only tried to comfort him. We didn’t have sex, is what I mean, nor are we going to.”

“Buck—”

“Let me finish first, please,” Buck pleads, finding it harder than he expected. He doesn’t know why he bothers clarifying things with Eddie. It’s not like they’re dating or will be dating anytime soon. Eddie’s words from last night are engraved in his memory, stinging still. _Buck and I won’t get married because we don’t love each other that way_.

“He was having a nightmare as I told you,” he continues. “He woke Christopher, so I went to check on him. That’s when he…you know. Anyway, he had a panic attack when he woke up and realized what he’d done, so I helped him calm down, and stayed with him.”

Eddie diverts his gaze halfway through his explanation, pursing his lips and tapping his foot. He looks pissed, which doesn’t help Buck’s stress level go down. He’s not used to seeing Eddie angry, not until recently at least, it’s not a look he likes to see on his best friend. Eddie’s always been level-headed and so patient with everything and it pains him to know he’s caused his best friend so much grief.

“Eddie, I told you I have no intention of dating your brother, you have to believe me,” Buck adds, stepping closer to his best friend. When Eddie looks back at him, Buck still can’t read him and it alerts him. Eddie's usually an open book to him even when he doesn't say much about what he feels.

“Buck, I saw you two in bed, I saw how you were with him,” Eddie says and shakes his head, then looks down at their feet. “You don’t have to worry about me, ok? You can go out with David if that’s what you want, I’m not going to stop you. I just want you to be careful around him until he sorts things out in his head through counselling, ok?”

He wants to shake Eddie for being so wrong, for not fighting for him. This only serves to prove how Buck was right. Eddie only sees him as a friend, nothing more. David was wrong. Part of him dies right there and then, rendering him silent.

“I’ve got to go, I’ll see you tomorrow,” Eddie says, tapping his arm before entering the station, leaving Buck alone with his shattered heart.

He doesn’t know how long he stands there, staring at the closed door. He’s drowning in his thoughts, holding his tears back as he goes through the grieving process of his relationship with Eddie all over again. He wants to blame David for giving him false hopes, but he knows he’s the only one to blame. _He_ fell in love with Eddie, with the idea of marrying Eddie and adopting Christopher.

Buck eventually makes his way back to his car, to Eddie’s house. He promised Eddie he’d take David to the VA centre for his first counselling sessions. He doesn’t remember the ride home, his body essentially working on autopilot. He finds David sitting in the kitchen, staring off into space with a half-full tea mug in his hands. He takes a deep breath and pushes through his heartbreak to go into the kitchen and join David.

“Hey, how’re you feeling?” he asks, taking a seat next to the other man. David's hair spikes up in every direction and he's got dark patches under his bloodshot eyes. He looks as exhausted and miserable as Buck feels.

“I should be asking you that question,” David replies, pain etched on his features as his gaze is locked on Buck’s bruised neck. “Again, I’m so sorry I did that to you.”

“It wasn’t your fault,” Buck assures him, taking David’s hand in his. “I can’t even imagine what you’ve gone through. I want you to know that I’m here for you.”

“Why?” David’s voice breaks. Buck’s day has taken a dark turn and he doesn’t know how he’s going to get through it. David is more broken than Buck thought and it makes him want to take him in his arms and protect him.

“You’re a good guy and you need help,” Buck answers. “Have you eaten anything? I made pancakes earlier and kept some for you.”

David shakes his head, so Buck stands up and goes to reheat breakfast for him. Helping David is a good way of distracting him from Eddie, Buck finds. He’s lost his sense of purpose out of the job and he misses being helpful to people. He serves David a stack of pancakes with maple syrup on the side and sits down across from him with another cup of coffee for himself. David lets out a little moan at the first bite, surprising Buck in a good way, and starts demolishing his plate.

“These are really good,” David says, mouth half full as he points with his fork at his plate. “And I wasn’t even hungry.”

“Thanks, I’m glad you like’em,” Buck says, smiling at the sight before him. “Are things ok with you and Eddie? What did he say to you before we left?”

David stops mid-motion, fork hanging in the air as he looks up at him.

“He was just checking on me,” David responds. “Reminded me to get groceries for our abuela.”

“Is that all?”

“Yeah, he didn’t seem in the mood to chat much,” David mutters, finishing his last bite of pancake. “Why?”

“He…he saw us in bed, this morning,” Buck admits. Letting the words out lifts a weight off of his chest. “He freaked out.”

“Mierda,” David mutters. “I’m sorry, Evan, I’m really messing everything up for you. I’ll talk to my brother and clear things up.”

“Hey, no, that’s not what I mean, I’m not blaming you,” Buck hurries to say. “I’m just…I guess I need to talk, is all. I’ve already talked to him but he still thinks we’re dating, or that we want to.”

Buck heaves a sigh, realising his mistake. How stupid is he to talk about this with David, knowing the latter would actually like to go out with him? He buries his face in his hands, berating himself for being so self-centred. He wants to talk to someone so badly about his issues he’s unloading everything on the one person who’s got enough problems of their own to deal with.

“I’m sorry, forget I said anything,” Buck tells David. “You’ve done more than you should’ve for me, David.”

“Stop apologizing,” David says and lets out a soft chuckle. “We’re quite a mess, aren’t we?”

“That’s an understatement,” Buck scoffs.

“I should get ready if I want to make it in time for my appointment,” David says and stands up to clear the table.

“Go, I’ll clean this up,” Buck says, taking David’s plate from him and chasing him out of the kitchen.

When he’s done in the kitchen, he goes to Christopher’s room while David takes a shower. He checks his neck with his phone, disappointed to see his bruise isn’t any better. He texts Maddie to cancel lunch in defeat, not surprised when she calls him a few seconds after reading his text.

“Evan, are you ok? What’s going on?” she fires as soon as she picks up.

“Yeah, don’t worry, I’m just not feeling too well, I’ll stay home and rest,” Buck says, which isn’t entirely a lie. He’s not in the mood to socialize right now, to pretend he’s doing well. He wouldn’t be good company.

“Evan, what’s really going on? Did something happen with Eddie?”

Damn his sister for being so perceptive. He can never get anything past her. The thing is he really wants to see her right now, wants to see Chimney whom he’s missed too. He could talk to them. He wouldn’t even care at this point if Chimney knows how in love with Eddie he is. He just knows they’re going to freak out when they see him with his finger-shaped bruise. After a few seconds of internal debate, he decides to bite the bullet.

“Fine, something did happen, but nothing serious, I just don’t want you guys to worry.”

“Evan, if you think that’s actually making me not worry—”

“I know, I know,” he cuts her off, heaving a sigh. “Fine, I’ll come to see you guys for lunch like we planned.”

“Good, I’ll see you soon.”

Buck hangs up and lies down on his unmade air bed, letting his forearm rest on his eyes for a moment. He can’t stop thinking about Eddie’s words, the anguish on his face when he caught his brother in bed with Buck. He has no idea where he stands right now with Eddie. Are they still friends after everything he’s done? He lets out a groan, pressing hard on his eyelids to get the image of Eddie out of his head.

“Buck? You ready to go?” David calls from the hall, prompting Buck to get up and shake himself out of his thoughts. He stumbles out of Christopher’s room, walking to join David at the front door. David looks slightly better after his shower, wearing a white shirt and dark jeans, though the bags under his eyes are still visible.

“You ok?” David asks, wearing the same worried face as Eddie’s, which doesn't help quell the turmoil inside him.

“Yeah, I’m fine,” Buck says, throwing in a grin to help sell his lie as he throws on his jacket. “Let’s go.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Here's chapter 4! A bit shorter, but I struggled to write this one. Not as much as drama as I'd anticipated. I have some plans for David but things are still unclear for Buck and Eddie, I just have a general idea. Bear with me, ok? Classes have started and I've got some assignments coming up + finals in January, I'll try to write, promise!  
Anyways, I hope you like this chapter nonetheless, your comments mean the world to me and I really love reading them, so keep them coming! Thank you for reading you lovelies ❤


	5. Chapter 5

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So sorry for the long wait for this update. It's so hard to pick things up when you leave a project on the side after a while...(at least for me).  
But your wonderful comments have truly touched me and motivated me to not let this be an abandoned WIP, thank you all, dear readers, for taking the time to write those sweet words.  
Also, I apologize in advance for my Spanish, I've used what little I remember from my high school days + google translate. If any Spanish speakers are willing to beta, I'm definitely interested!  
Enough rambling, here's the new chapter!

“This is a bad idea,” David says, turning around after a mere couple of steps in the VA centre. Buck stops him, surprised to see how pale David’s face has turned. Buck looks over his shoulder and only sees a receptionist with a tall man talking with her behind her desk.

“What? Come on, David,” Buck says, confused by the other man’s reaction.

“You know what, I don’t feel so good, I’ll reschedule,” David insists, his voice trembling as he turns to walk away but Buck stops him.

“Hey, what’s wrong?” Buck asks, now worried. David looks like he’s on the verge of another panic attack. David looks past Buck, his entire body tensing up.

“David?” The tall man from the reception desk calls out, stepping out to limp his way over to them, his right leg a bit stiffer than his left. Buck winces at the sight, phantom pain in his leg resurfacing.

“My God, it is you,” the man says as he envelops David in a hug. “I can’t believe you’re actually here.”

Buck watches how David melts in the embrace, the top of his head reaching his friend’s chin.

“Hey, Drew,” David says, sounding incredulous. He hugs his friend back nonetheless, leaving Buck to watch both men fighting to let go of one another. He’s tempted to clear his throat to remind them he’s here, but after a few seconds, David does let go and looks at him.

“This is my friend Evan,” David says, gesturing at Buck.

“Andrew Lu, but you can call me Drew,” Drew says as he shakes Buck’s hand, his gaze pausing at Buck’s covered neck before their eyes meet. “Nice to meet you.”

Buck almost loses himself in Drew’s kind eyes before he responds, feeling exposed by the bruise on his neck even though he’s zipped his jacket all the way up to hide it as much as possible. By the time they got here, Buck was relieved to see his bruise had spread uniformly so the outline of David’s fingers could not be distinguished anymore. It’s not as evident now that he was strangled last night. Buck is struck for a second by how tall Drew is—he’s taller than Buck, which is rare—and by how _beautiful_ he is. Buck inspects David’s friend thoroughly; he can’t help himself. Black hair, light stubble covering a sharp jaw, enticing brown eyes, fit body. He also notices a couple of scars marring the man’s left temple. Buck’s love for women is truly tested these days, as though the part of him that’s attracted to men felt neglected and is now coming back with a vengeance.

“Evan Buckley, but I go by Buck, even if David refuses to use it.”

“But Evan is such a beautiful name,” David says playfully, earning an eyeroll from Buck, and turns back to Drew, his face growing more serious. “What are you doing here? I thought you were in San Francisco.”

“Sophie got a job here, so we moved,” Drew says and points back to the VA centre, his gaze fixated on David. “And I have an appointment in a few minutes.”

“Yeah, so do I,” David says, looking at his watch, though neither of them seems to be in a hurry to go.

“Are you on leave?”

“Nope, I’m out for good,” David replies, his answer bringing out a blinding smile from Drew.

“Since when?”

“A couple of weeks,” David answers,

“Wow, that’s recent,” Drew says. “Are you going to the group session tomorrow?”

“I…I didn’t plan on going,” David says, his gaze unwavering from Drew. Buck feels like an intruder as he watches these two lost in their own little bubble. He considers taking a step back but remains frozen on his feet.

“Well, I am, and it’s helped me a lot. I’m sure it’d be great for you too, especially considering how freshly out of the army you are,” Drew says, taking hold of David’s shoulder. “Anyway, we should get going.”

“Yeah,” David clears his throat as he gets out of Drew’s grip.

“I hope to see you around, David. My number hasn’t changed,” Drew adds, nodding at them both before he goes back inside while David stares at the retreating figure.

Buck brings David out of his haze, reminding the latter of his therapy session. David is silent as they walk inside the building, lost in his thoughts. Buck doesn’t prod and helps David go through the motions of filling out some paperwork at the reception. He leaves David in front of his therapist’s office, giving him an encouraging smile.

“I’ll wait for you to actually go inside,” Buck tells David, the latter rolling his eyes at him.

“I’m a grown ass man, I’m not going to bail,” David counters.

“Right,” Buck chuckles, not mentioning how David _did _try to bail just minutes ago. “Then, I’ll leave you to it. I’m going to get those groceries for your abuela while you’re in there, all right?”

“You don’t have to, I’ll have plenty of time this afternoon,” David argues but Buck shakes his head.

“I might as well, I have an hour to kill anyway,” Buck says, not leaving room for discussion. A couple of minutes later, Buck walks out of the VA centre.

Buk’s lucky today with no traffic encumbering him, so he makes it to Isabela Diaz’s place in record time, not prepared to fend off her worries over his neck, which he’d forgotten about.

“Ay, Buck, ¿que paso?” Isabela says the moment her eyes land on him, unzipping his jacket to take a closer look at his purple bruise.

“No es nada, abuela,” Buck replies, dropping the grocery bags to take her hands in his. “Estoy bien.”

She doesn’t need to voice out loud her disagreement but thankfully lets it slide, inviting him in. They put the groceries away together, with Buck listening to her worrying over both Diaz brothers.

“Twice the trouble now, I tell you, Buck,” she says, pointing at him with a leek. “Gracias a Dios, you’re here.”

Buck doesn’t tell her how much trouble he’s actually been for both Eddie and David, but only smiles back. He sits down with her for some tea, thankful to have the opportunity to practice his Spanish. He hadn’t really spoken much of it since his return from South America and was starting to lose some of it. He’s not as fluent as he used to be but he’s catching back up thanks to her.

“Estoy tan contenta que Edmundo y tu se han reconciliado,” she says with a sigh. “Él estaba tan triste y enojado al mismo tiempo cuando no podía hablar contigo.”

“Lo sé, abuela, fue mi culpa,” Buck replies, guilt taking over him at the reminder of what he’s done to Eddie. She cups his cheek with a tender smile, wordlessly expressing forgiveness he doesn’t even need to ask for. Meeting Eddie Diaz has brought so many good things in his life he’s grateful for, his abuela being one of them.

After Isabela leaves him in charge of delivering homemade cupcakes to Christopher, Buck sets off just in time to pick David up right when his session ends, feeling a bit better thanks to Isabela’s cheering up. He’s about to walk around the corner to get to David’s therapist’s office when he hears David’s voice.

“We shouldn’t be doing this, Drew.”

Buck steps back and sticks his body to the wall before he can interrupt them. He can’t bring himself to walk away, his curiosity getting the better of him. He’s dying to know what went on between David and his army buddy.

“I’ve missed you,” Drew says, his voice barely above a whisper. They’re both panting, Buck realizes, their heavy breathing only interrupted by what can only be kissing. Chancing a peek, Buck gets visual confirmation that they are, indeed, kissing. Quite passionately, too. David is tackled to the wall, Drew’s gigantic figure trapping him. Buck is reeling from the sight, not having expected things between David and Drew to get so…heated.

“I’ve missed you too, you pendejo,” David says after a beat. “Lord knows I’ve tried to forget you.”

“I never succeeded,” Drew says, taking a breath. “God, David, I love you.”

There’s a long pause then, leaving Buck’s heart pounding with anticipation. He can hardly believe what he’s hearing, the situation between David and Drew feels like a story line from one of the telenovelas that Isabel loves.

“No,” David says. “Fuck, this is a mistake.”

“David, please—”

“Don’t you dare do this to me again. For fuck’s sake, Drew, you’re married now.”

“I thought I’d never see you again. I’ve never stopped loving you,” David adds, sending Buck’s heart into a frenzy. He has to get away, things are getting out of control and this is none of his business. He finally manages to walk away, going back down to the ground floor to wait for David. He’s nervous, wondering how this new development is going to affect David.

He only waits for a couple of minutes before David appears, his eyes red and wet.

“Hey, you ok?” Buck asks, alarmed to see the heartbreak written all over David’s face. He approaches the older man, resisting the urge to hug him.

“I’m fine, sorry if I kept you waiting,” David says, rubbing at his eyes with his sleeve.

“What happened? You don’t look fine,” Buck remarks, curious to know what happened after he left them alone. It’s not really his business and it’s bad enough that he eavesdropped as much as he did, but he’s come to care for David, even though they’ve only met the day before.

“It’s nothing, that shrink just took a lot out of me,” is all David says, so Buck doesn’t push.

“You can talk to me if you want to,” Buck offers. “I’m not asking you to, but I’m here for you if you need me, ok?”

“Thanks, handsome,” David says, managing a brief smile. “I’ll keep that in mind.”

They’re walking out of the building when a shout stops them. “David, wait!”

They turn around to see Drew running towards them, his face grimacing in pain as his right knee seems to be giving him trouble. In his haste, Drew trips, falling on his knees and hands. David rushes to his side, helping his friend sit before he proceeds to massage his knee. Buck once again stands back as Drew seems fine, the latter telling the receptionist that he’s ok.

“You idiot,” David mutters. “You’re not a young man anymore, can’t go running after me like you used to.”

“I’m not too old to remember _you_ were the one who used to run after me,” Drew quips back, putting his hand on David’s to get his attention. “I’m sorry. I lost control back there. Can we talk? Please?”

“We’re talking now, aren’t we?”

Drew gives David a pointed look. That’s when Buck decides to give them some privacy and signals at David he’s going to wait outside. He checks his messages by his car, asking his sister if he can bring David over. He’s reluctant to leave David alone after everything that happened; his night terror, his first therapy session and whatever’s going on between him and Drew. It’s a lot. David joins him a few minutes later, looking more collected than he did earlier.

“Everything ok?” Buck asks, putting his hand on David’s arm.

“Yeah, I’m ready to go,” David says as he gets into the passenger seat. Buck starts the car, refraining from asking any other questions.

“I’m taking you to my sister’s for lunch,” Buck announces as they get on the main road.

“So she’ll forever see me as the man who strangled her brother? No, thanks,” David says.

“Come on, it doesn’t look I got strangled,” Buck says as he unzips his jacket and cranes his neck for David to take a better look. “I’ll just say I tripped and got hit by a broom or something.”

“You’re a terrible liar, anyone ever told you that?” David laughs, covering his eyes with his hand.

“I resent that,” Buck replies. “Come on, I can’t leave you alone after your first session, it calls for celebration. Chim is a great cook.”

“I don’t know,” David says, still hesitant.

“It’ll be fine, trust me. I already asked her, and she’s excited to meet you,” Buck says.

“Pretty sure she won’t be as excited when she learns that I strangled you in my sleep,” David says, defeated. He has a point; Buck can’t argue with that.

“I’ll come up with a better lie then,” Buck says, to which David gives him the sassiest cocked eyebrow he’s seen in a while. Buck can’t help but chuckle. “I can lie!”

“Uhuh, let’s hear it,” David says.

“I got into a brawl at a bar,” Buck says. “And I got punched in the throat.”

“But nowhere else?”

“It was a lucky surprise strike, then I just dodged every last one of them.”

“Right, of course,” David laughs. “With your firefighter training.”

“I’ll have you know I went through SEAL training,” Buck retorts.

“You did? What happened then?”

“I quit. It wasn’t for me,” Buck explains with a shrug.

David doesn’t protest anymore so Buck sets off for Maddie’s. David is lost in thoughts the whole drive, and Buck leaves him be. He can’t imagine what state of mind David must be in. From what Buck could gather, he and Drew were definitely a thing, and apparently Drew is married now. Were they already having an affair before? Buck would not want to be in David’s shoes right now and he thought his situation was bad enough.

They get stuck in a bit of traffic on the way to Maddie’s but they still make it in time. Buck has to drag David back from two attempts at fleeing before they make it to the front door.

“Buckaroo!”

Buck is assaulted by Hen when the door opens, his friend hugging him tight. He’s surprised to see her, even more surprised when he catches a glimpse of Bobby and Athena over her shoulder.

“Hey, Hen,” Buck says, letting himself enjoy Hen’s embrace. He’s so happy to get such a warm welcome, his worry over his teammates’ potential grudge over his lawsuit lessening. “What are you guys doing here?”

“Maddie invited us, since we couldn’t celebrate yesterday,” Bobby says as he approaches and gives him a quick hug as well.

“Hi, Bobby,” Buck says, a little sheepish. He didn’t have time to grab the apology gift for Bobby and Athena he’d planned to give them later today.

“You must be David,” Bobby says as he turns to greet Eddie’s brother. “Great to meet you.”

“Likewise,” David replies, shaking Bobby’s hand. “Thank you for taking care of my little brother out there.”

“Don’t stand there, come on in!” Maddie shouts from the kitchen. Buck keeps the lapels of his jacket high to hide his neck as they enter the apartment, and Buck goes to greet his sister while everyone takes turns introducing themselves to David.

“What happened to your neck?” Maddie asks when she pulls away from their hug, batting Buck’s hands away before he can keep his jacket up. She gasps when she unzips his jacket, her hands touching his skin lightly. “Oh my God, Evan.”

“It looks worse than it is because of my meds,” Buck says, glancing at David who looks nervous, everyone’s attention now on Buck. “I was at the gym, lifting weights. I tried to push myself, which was stupid, I know, and the guy spotting me got distracted for a moment.”

Buck can’t believe he managed to come up with that lie on the spot, having forgotten about the bar fight lie. He’s relieved when it seems to convince people, as they all berate him for his careless mistake. David doesn’t seem to share his sentiment though, if anything, he seems even more down.

“I take it you all had a good night sleep on your shift, huh?” Buck teases, eager to change the subject, seeing how they all seem so energetic after 24 hours at work.

“Maybe,” Chim says, pointing a spatula at him. “But it was a well-deserved night.”

“You’re lucky you caught us between two calls yesterday,” Hen adds, wine glass in hand. “You didn’t miss anything interesting though, aside from a prank war gone wrong between two brothers.”

“I definitely want to hear that one, but I’ve got to do something first,” Buck says as he turns to Bobby and Athena and takes them aside while Chim and Maddie finish preparing lunch.

“What’s up, Buck?” Athena asks once they’re on the balcony.

“I just wanted to apologize to you both, face to face, for what I’ve done,” Buck starts, taking a deep breath. “I was hurt, and I acted out in the stupidest way possible. I want you to know how sorry I am.”

Bobby smiles at him while Athena appraises him, making him feel like a kid who’s about to be punished again.

“Next time, just come talk to us, alright?” Athena eventually says and heaves a sigh, to which Buck nods eagerly. He doesn’t expect Athena to hug him, but she does, so Buck takes it as a win. Bobby envelops them both in his giant arms.

“Proud of you, son,” Bobby says. “Takes a lot of courage to admit when you’re wrong, and to make amends.”

“Thanks,” Buck mutters as he pulls away.

“I’ll talk to the chief first thing tomorrow, we’ll see what we can do about your situation,” Bobby adds, giving him hope. He can only nod at him as he struggles to find the right words to say.

“Now, let’s go eat, I don’t want my officers to think I’m getting lazy on them,” Athena says, as authoritative as she can be.

Buck enjoys the delicious food Chim prepared for them, basking in the easy camaraderie of his family. He’s glad to see David relax over the course of their meal and engaging in the conversation with everyone else. It reminds Buck how lonely he’s been lately and how much he’s missed them. If he and Bobby can convince the higher ups to let him take back his temporary fire marshal position and work at the station, it would definitely make things easier.

“Howie, thank you for lunch,” Athena says as she gets ready to go back to work. “It was amazing as always.”

“My pleasure,” Chim replies, handing her a muffin for a snack in exchange for a kiss on the cheek.

“Be careful out there,” Bobby tells her as he walks her to the door, giving her a kiss before letting her go.

“I’ll see you tonight,” Athena says and bids everyone goodbye.

Hen and Karen take their leave soon after, as does Bobby. Buck knows how fatigue sneaks up on you after a shift, especially after lunch. They all promise him to make this a regular thing, which he appreciates but knows can be tricky with their job and family duties. He helps his sister clean everything up while Chim and David chat in the living room.

“Thanks for organizing this, Maddie,” Buck says as he washes the dishes and them to her to dry.

“Anything for you, little brother,” she says, giving him a soft smile. “Is everything ok between you and Eddie?”

“I...I’m not sure,” he answers, the thought of facing Eddie again bringing him dread now.

“What happened?”

“Long story short, he thinks David and I are dating,” Buck says with a sigh. “Which is kind of insane, we only met yesterday.”

“Wouldn’t it be the craziest thing that could happen,” Maddie says. “So I take it you’re not dating.”

“No!” Buck says. “I mean, under other circumstances, I might want to, but you know…”

“I know,” she says, the look of sympathy on her face so familiar to Buck recently he wants to punch himself for having such a sad life.

“I don’t know where we stand anymore, and I haven’t even told him how I feel,” Buck adds, the anxiety and sadness he’d managed to put aside coming back.

“Whatever happened to make you feel this way, I think the best thing to do is for you and Eddie to sit down and have an honest conversation,” Maddie says, turning the faucet off and stopping Buck mid-action to look him in the eye.

“I don’t want to lose him.”

“So you’ve said a thousand times,” she reminds him. “But _I_ don’t want to keep seeing you suffering over Eddie anymore, it’s not helping you. You’re in limbo right now, and you’re not going to get out until you tell him how you feel.”

Buck takes in his sister’s words, knowing deep down she’s right. It’s been easier for him to be Eddie’s friend, to not disturb the comfortable status quo. Since David came in the equation, however, Buck is pretty sure his relationship with Eddie will never go back to the way it was.

“Trust me,” Maddie adds, taking his wet, soapy hand in hers. “No matter what happens, you’ll be ok. Eddie’s a good guy, he would not push you away even if he doesn’t feel the same way.”

He looks at her, at how confident she is in her words, the way he’s always remembered her to be. It’s one of the reasons he hates Doug so much, for having broken his sister’s sense of self-worth. It’s a testament to Maddie’s strength that she’s come back to her old self today. His big sister, the one person in this world he’s looked up to his entire life, whom he’s always trusted. She’s never steered him wrong before, so why would she start now?

“All right, Mads,” Buck says, letting out a long breath. “I’ll do it. I’ll tell him.”

“I’m not saying you have to do it right this minute,” she adds, clearly excited for him. “I’m sorry if it seems like I’m rushing you. I just wanted you to realize you need to do it. That’s the most important step.”

“I know, Mads,” he reassures her, squeezing her hand. “Thank you.”

“You’re welcome, baby brother,” she says, taking him in her arms. He dries his hand quickly to hug her back, burying his face in her soft hair, where he’s safe.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Drew came out of nowhere but I instantly fell in love with the idea of David reconnecting with a past lover. It's one of my favorite tropes. I cast Godfrey Gao as Drew, whose tragic passing affected me more than I thought a celebrity's death could.  
I hope you enjoyed this chapter, let me know what you think, I love your comments!

**Author's Note:**

> So, I've never watched the show (mainly because I don't want to torture myself with another case of queerbaiting), but I am obsessed with this pairing and couldn't help myself. Everything I know about the current plot is from fanfiction and episode recaps so pardon me if anything's wrong.  
I've had this idea for a while, and I needed to write it down. I picture DJ Cotrona as David, but if you have better candidates, I'm all ears! Hope you like it, let me know what you think!


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